
*Editor's note: These are snippets from journal entries written by [deadname] in 2022. As it's been exactly a year since I first acknowledged being a transgender woman I wanted to share a snapshot of what was going on in my head at the time that everything really started for me.*

*Revisiting these entries, I'm surprised at the level of conviction in my writing in who I was about to become. My memories are full of a lot more hesitation and fear at this point in my gender questioning. Not long after the mirror moment of seeing myself for the first time, I went through a period of deep self-doubt and shame. I guess it goes to show that you shouldn't underestimate the subconscious.*

---

#### 2/26

Hi, and welcome to My Gender Workbook, volume 2. Haha, jk. Except kinda. It’s on my mind today, that’s what I’m here to write about. I read a blogpost titled [The Null HypotheCis](https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/) that examines the question, “how do you know if you’re trans?” by flipping it on its head, “how do you know if you’re cis?” The author Natalie Reed ultimately concludes “You’re never going to get any certainty beyond the certainty _you yourself assert_ (emphasis mine) or any assurance beyond the sense of _I am. This is who I am._” I was planning on listing out “tells” in this journal entry, datapoints that I feel like point to the trans hypothesis. But I think Reed has a good point, we’re ultimately looking at subjective experience here, how I feel. But right now I’m not feeling properly, you know? I think that’s ultimately what the gamble is.

Since I was a teen, I’ve felt a mental block in my way, like an invisible obstacle keeping me from true expression that my spirit would find… relieving? Honest? And so I have mastered all sorts of artifice in order to work around the obstacle, but I’m constantly stubbing my toe or breaking my nose against it. And I don’t think that a lifetime of emotional intelligence training or leadership or tech mastery or regular therapy is going to cut it. I need to feel out this obstacle, learn its crevices and the space it occupies, Right now, gender identity investigation feels like the way to do this.


#### 3/3

I posed the Button Question to Lindsey, and she was emphatic that she wouldn’t press it. WHAT. I thought this was a cute stupid hypothetical, but similarly she was floored that I would press it! Another thing - I told her that I want to go on HRT. We talked a lot about dysphoria and shame, and learning to be another gender.

…

I am so relieved that she is supportive, but even more relieved that I don’t sound crazy to her!!!


#### 3/6

Dear Erin,
I’m so glad that you came to visit yesterday. I was worried for a bit there that I wouldn’t get a chance to see you, but when you arrived you made such an impression on me. I have to tell you, you looked cute and hot and amazingly confident. I don’t think I’ve seen any of this in you before, and it really suits you.

You’ve been on my mind so often lately. I’ve been wondering what kind of person you’ve become, and if we still have things in common. But now I realize that I didn’t have anything to worry about. It makes me so happy that we had the chance to meet.

See you again soon. Love,
[deadname]


#### 3/11

Since my last journal entry, I’ve been through all sorts of highs and lows of euphoria and dysphoria. I should say that I thought that the label “euphoria” seemed hyperbolic until I experienced it on the 5th and again to a lesser degree on the 7th. Whatever is happening to me, I have had new emotional experiences without prior comparison.

…

Lindsey has been helping me in my gender exploration. I’ve been trying on clothes, doing makeup, playing around with my (unfortunate) hair, and generally trying out the visual parts of being a woman. I told Lindsey my other name - Erin - and then on the 5th in one of our experimenting sessions I _saw_ Erin in the mirror. I’ve seen her once since then. I am not sure how to rectify me and her yet, but right now she’s the best argument I have for transitioning.

That initial encounter was unquestionably euphoria. I experienced a synaesthetic joy - I saw shattered golden panes of reality, heard the rush of blood in my head. I was flooded with emotions that I could not identify. I cried hard with Lindsey holding me. The next day I think I cried on and off for about 4 hours. By the end of the night my face was so swollen and puffy that my teeth hurt. I kept thinking about seeing Erin and all of the great things that she could go on to do if I were to become her.

And then of course the day after that was a dark pit of doubt. Basically I’ve been vacillating like that since last Saturday. But I’ve continued to experiment with my appearance and voice and self concept.

Journal Entries from Deadname (my first Tranniversary)

I'm a very silly person with a love of puns and an art degree, so once in a while I'll need to make A Thing out of some joke that amuses me. As of this week I have two designs for sale as T-shirts on Zazzle that may appeal to people who understand my alignment. I'm not really trying to make money at all off of these, I just wanted them to exist as something I could wear.
<a href="https://www.zazzle.com/prog_rocks_t_shirt-256168143123758506" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noreferrer noopener">Prog Rocks! T-shirt</a>
<a href="/post-media/swag-swag-swag/prog-rocks-small.png"><img src="/post-media/swag-swag-swag/prog-rocks-small.png" alt="A logo that says Prog Rocks! in swirly progressive rock lettering" width="400" /></a>
I grew up as a fan of progressive rock, so when I started to hear prog jokes about taking progesterone I knew I had to do something. I was trying to capture the logo styling of Yes ala Roger Dean.
<a href="https://www.zazzle.com/f64_0_diagnosis_shirt-256061940520673721" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noreferrer noopener">F64.0 T-shirt</a>
<a href="/post-media/swag-swag-swag/f64-logo.png"><img src="/post-media/swag-swag-swag/f64-logo.png" alt="A logo that says F64.0 and looks like the Nintendo 64 logo in trans colors" width="400" /></a>
Edit 5/23/2023: Here's a selfie with the F64.0 shirt:
<a href="/post-media/swag-swag-swag/f64-selfie.jpg"><img src="/post-media/swag-swag-swag/f64-selfie.jpg" alt="Photo of Erin wearing the F64.0 shirt" width="400" /></a>
Here I'm riffing off the Nintendo 64 logo and the US medical diagnosis code "F64.0: Transsexualism" that so many of us have in our charts. There's also a <a href="https://www.zazzle.com/f64_0_diagnosis_racerback_tank_top-256014771005048629" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noreferrer noopener">racerback version</a> for if you want to make yourself a crop top.

Swag Swag Swag

I've been wanting to do a post detailing how I apply estradiol patches for some time, and the opportunity presented itself today. When I first started on patches I screwed a lot of this up, so I'm hoping the pictures and descriptions here can save somebody the effort.

Mild NSFW warning: I'm showing some skin and you can see my out-of-focus panties in a couple of photos. Don't get too excited.

**3/24/24 Edit: Skip the alcohol step! It can make contact dermatitis worse! Just make sure your skin is clean with soap and water. I have made edits to this guide leaving but striking through the relatesd steps and supplies.**

### Step 1

First, wash your hands and gather your supplies:

* ~~Cotton rounds~~
* ~~Rubbing alcohol~~
* A pair of scissors
* A water-resistant marker (I use an ultrafine felt tipped Sharpie)
* A roll of Tegaderm (this roll is 3 inches wide)
* An 0.1mg estradiol patch

__5/22/23 Edit: Make sure it's real Tegaderm, not some knock off! I had issues with peeling and patch failure (rashes) that were largely solved when I switched to the real thing. It's worth it!__

[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-0.jpg" alt="Supplies for applying an estradiol patch" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-0.jpg)

### Step 2

Remove your oldest patch, and ~~wipe down the area with rubbing alcohol and a cotton round. Also wipe down the new patch site and let it dry.~~ clean the old and new sites with soap and water. Usually it's a good idea to apply the new patch in a different place so that your skin can recover from the last patch.

When it comes to choosing a place for your patch, the closer you can get it to the center of your body and the thinner the skin underneath it, the better. I put my patches on my lower abdomen and upper buttocks, but I've also heard of people using their upper arms as patch sites too.

[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-1.jpg" alt="Cleaning up with rubbing alcohol in a cotton round, do not do this use soap and water instead" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-1.jpg)

### Step 3

Get your new patch out of its packaging and locate which side has the two plastic sheets protecting the sticky side of the patch. Peel off the smaller of the two sheets so that a small amount of the sticky side of the patch is exposed.


[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-2.jpg" alt="An estradiol patch held up to show the 2 layers of plastic it rests on" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-2.jpg)

## Step 4

Carefully stick the patch to your chosen patch site and roll the rest of the patch off of its plastic sheet and onto your body by kind of making a "U" with the patch. This ensures you don't have to touch the patch as you apply it, which would compromise its hold and make things dirty underneath.

[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-3.jpg" alt="Rolling the patch onto my abdomen" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-3.jpg)

### Step 5

With your scissors, cut a length of Tegaderm. Tegaderm is a breathable plastic sheeting used for wound care and protecting new tattoos. Estradiol patches don't stick amazingly well, so the Tegaderm is used to hold them on better and protect skin on the patch edges from irritation.

[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-4.jpg" alt="A roll of Tegaderm and a 3 inch length cut" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-4.jpg)

### Step 6

Throw a scrunchie around the Tegaderm roll before you put it away. This stuff does not want to stay wound and has exploded like a watch spring in my bathroom drawer before.

[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-5.jpg" alt="Tegarderm roll saely secured with a scrunchie" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-5.jpg)

### Step 7

Like the estradiol patch, there's a small strip and big strip of wax paper on the back of the Tegaderm. Peel the small strip off.

[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-6.jpg" alt="The backside of the Tegaderm sheet with the wax paper seam visible" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-6.jpg)

### Step 8

Again like the estradiol patch, first stick the exposed end of the Tegaderm to your body, and roll on the rest of the sheet by folding it and carefully unpeeling the remaining wax paper. This should form a smooth layer on top of the patch with no wrinkles or air pockets. Be sure to leave an even margin around the patch so that if any of the Tegaderm does get peeled or rolled up, the patch should remain mostly unaffected.

[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-7.jpg" alt="Rolling the Tegaderm over top of the estradiol patch" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-7.jpg)

### Step 9

The Tegaderm has an upper layer of plastic sheeting on top with a seam in the middle. Once you're confident that the sheet has been applied well, pinch the patch and sheet so that the seam tents. Then you can peel back the two pieces of the upper layer, fully exposing the the Tegaderm.

[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-8.jpg" alt="Squeeze the Tegaderm to remove the upper protective layer" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-8.jpg)

[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-9.jpg" alt="Squeeze the Tegaderm to remove the upper protective layer" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-9.jpg)

### Step 10

Using the marker, write the date of application on your patch. I believe this is reasonably safe, these [nurses in an old forum thread](https://allnurses.com/sharpie-tegaderm-t593596/) seem to think so and the [Sharpie MSDS](https://www.msdsdigital.com/sharpie-markers-msds) backs them up. I've found keeping track this way to be wholly invaluable for [staggering patches](/posts/patch-simulator), especially.

[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-10.jpg" alt="Writing the date on top of the Tegaderm" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-10.jpg)

### Step 11

You're done! Go forth and live life as a more estrogenated being!

[<img src="/post-media/patch-notes/patch-11.jpg" alt="Supplies for applying an estradiol patch" />](/post-media/patch-notes/patch-11.jpg)

Human Kibble

Swag Swag Swag

Journal Entries from Deadname (my first Tranniversary)

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