It’s been nearly two weeks since I had my tonsillectomy, and it feels like my frontal lobe has finally come back online. People aren’t kidding when they talk about tonsillectomy being a hard surgery to recover from, the pain is significant at times and supposedly simple actions like sleeping and breathing comfortably can be elusive. I did a lot of laying around and playing video games or watching movies. I had hoped that there would be time to ponder and maybe even write as I recuperated, but between the fatigue and the drugs and the constant low-level pain I was in no shape for big thoughts.
My first big thought occurred as I was dropping Lindsey off at her work a couple of days ago. Sitting at a light, I thought, Next year, when I go to the grocery store, it’s not gonna matter that I have a new vagina. From there, I started thinking about all of the other things that won’t change for me after my vulvoplasty. My wardrobe will be the same, I’ll live in the same house, I’ll still need to work at a job (currently on the market, HMU). It’s kind of an obvious and mundane thought, but I found myself returning to it, and honestly it’s been unsettling in some ways and strangely comforting in others.
As much as I talk a big line about dismantling transnormativity, I fully admit that I have my own internalized transnormative narratives to reckon with. There’s definitely a part of me that’s been imagining some future Post-“The Surgery” Erin, for whom life is all roses and butterflies because she has Finished Transition. Sitting in the car and thinking about the grocery store reminded me that I’m already there, and I need to act like it - while my vulvoplasty is going to mean some big changes for me in the short term, it won’t impact everything in my life, or even most things in my life. Maybe I’ll stride through the produce section with more confidence, I don’t know. But I can’t defer my hopes and action to an idealized future self and downplay who I am in the present.
I’m considering if there are places in life where I’ve been holding back because of this. One spot that stings when I poke at it is my relationship with community. I tried last year to more actively connect with people beyond my inner circle of fellow transitioners, and I made a little progress but not much. This year my health has been my biggest stumbling block in continuing that work, but I also think I’ve been carrying some self judgment of being “in progress” when I meet new people. It’s time I moved on from this notion and worked on finding more confidence in myself with others. I have some leads on venues for writing in the coming months where I can hopefully shake things up.
I’m taking comfort in the fact that I’m there, I’ve done it, this is my life now. I’ll keep working on the rough edges, but I like who I have become and I think I can keep this thing going. Maybe this is what some of my peers have meant when they’ve talked about finding an understanding of self where they are worrying “less about the trans part, more about the woman part.” I don’t see myself stopping writing about transness and transition anytime soon, but I can see myself engaging with it in a different way, maybe with less urgency. I think I have more to say about reintegration when it comes to a future self like what I’m touching on here, but I’m only just now articulating it and need to let it marinate more, maybe live it a bit.
One thing for sure won’t change about going to the grocery store when I get my vagina: I’ll still want to be the most fuckable person there. 😉
