I recently added progesterone to my hormone therapy regimen, and let me tell you, the dreams have been wild. I woke up this morning from a particularly disturbing dream in which I was dying from an incurable illness that was reducing me to a living skeleton, Ray Harryhausen-style. At first I felt just gaunt, but as time went by I grew nervous as my body became more fragile and desiccated. My friends and family were disturbed by my presence, and seeing myself in the mirror was nauseating. Any attempts to touch me or show me affection were painful and risked breaking me apart. Eventually even walking or moving my limbs became dangerous as I stiffened, and I awoke as I finally collapsed into a dusty pile of bones.
I think turning into a skeleton in my dream was a metaphor for insecurities around my growing emotional awareness. Now that I’m transitioning, the veil that clouded my awareness of my emotions for most of my life has been removed. What I used to perceive as anxiety or anger comes in much richer flavors now: sadness, resentment, longing. Positive emotions have become more nuanced as well - I found myself crying yesterday over a particularly touching Regina Spektor song about learning to love. I’m slowly allowing myself to feel these emotions that I protected myself from before, but it’s scary. It makes me feel exposed, fragile, and self-conscious, especially around other people.
This new emotional awareness has revealed to me two fronts for growth. The first is being more vulnerable and authentic with people I’m close to in my life. It scares me to trust others with my difficult feelings - I often feel the need to be outgoing at all costs, subtly directing and managing conversations in order to avoid being perceived. I now want to be more deliberate about sitting with pauses in conversation, and honest about feelings I’m experiencing rather than bottle them up.
The second front is accepting that some of my relationships will never foster the kind of vulnerability I desire, and that I will have to renegotiate my boundaries. There are people in my life who demand vulnerability from me but are unwilling to give back. I’m harming myself by being vulnerable in these relationships, and so in order to care for myself I have to acknowledge the truth and find healthier boundaries for interaction.
My dream revealed that I have been making a mistake conflating vulnerability with fragility. I know I’m a stronger person now because I’m capable of feeling more feelings than ever before. I may not be very good at sitting with them yet, but with effort and time I think I can get there. I had no idea going into transition that my emotional capacity was going to change this much, that I would find this level of self awareness. It can hurt sometimes, but I wouldn't ever want to go back.