Something I’ve been struggling with lately at transfem events is feeling lonely. This is despite being absolutely surrounded by people, people I feel like I know fairly well. When I go out to our weekly bar nights I spend my hours there flitting between conversations, catching up on the news from lots of people, and introducing myself to new folks as they show up. I run my mouth the entire time, but when the bar closes and I hop back into my car I feel only myself again and can’t seem to carry the social charge any further. I feel like a rechargeable battery that has run its course.
I’ve talked to my therapist about this, of course. He thinks that I might be talking with people in a defensive way by constantly redirecting the conversation back to the other person. He’s encouraged me to be more open and vulnerable in all of my conversations, and sit with questions rather than turning them back around, so that people have a chance to get to know me better. I’m trying really hard to do this, but it’s very hard for me to do.
Also I feel like the experience of transition brings its own sort of loneliness despite any community’s best efforts. I’m more aware of the changes to my mind and body than anyone else, and I’m learning to be called by a new name and to take risks as I rediscover my identity. It feels hard to put myself forward when I can struggle at times to know who exactly that is. And social situations can cue up a lot of habitual - often gendered - behaviors, leading to papercuts of dysphoria.
I think the thing that hurts the most about this I am acutely aware of how lucky I am to have a community. I will keep going back every week whether I get over this hump or not because feeling like I’m socializing is better than sitting at home, even if it can leave me feeling empty.