Editor's note: These are snippets from journal entries written by [deadname] in 2022. As it's been exactly a year since I first acknowledged being a transgender woman I wanted to share a snapshot of what was going on in my head at the time that everything really started for me.
Revisiting these entries, I'm surprised at the level of conviction in my writing in who I was about to become. My memories are full of a lot more hesitation and fear at this point in my gender questioning. Not long after the mirror moment of seeing myself for the first time, I went through a period of deep self-doubt and shame. I guess it goes to show that you shouldn't underestimate the subconscious.
2/26
Hi, and welcome to My Gender Workbook, volume 2. Haha, jk. Except kinda. It’s on my mind today, that’s what I’m here to write about. I read a blogpost titled The Null HypotheCis that examines the question, “how do you know if you’re trans?” by flipping it on its head, “how do you know if you’re cis?” The author Natalie Reed ultimately concludes “You’re never going to get any certainty beyond the certainty you yourself assert (emphasis mine) or any assurance beyond the sense of I am. This is who I am.” I was planning on listing out “tells” in this journal entry, datapoints that I feel like point to the trans hypothesis. But I think Reed has a good point, we’re ultimately looking at subjective experience here, how I feel. But right now I’m not feeling properly, you know? I think that’s ultimately what the gamble is.
Since I was a teen, I’ve felt a mental block in my way, like an invisible obstacle keeping me from true expression that my spirit would find… relieving? Honest? And so I have mastered all sorts of artifice in order to work around the obstacle, but I’m constantly stubbing my toe or breaking my nose against it. And I don’t think that a lifetime of emotional intelligence training or leadership or tech mastery or regular therapy is going to cut it. I need to feel out this obstacle, learn its crevices and the space it occupies, Right now, gender identity investigation feels like the way to do this.
3/3
I posed the Button Question to Lindsey, and she was emphatic that she wouldn’t press it. WHAT. I thought this was a cute stupid hypothetical, but similarly she was floored that I would press it! Another thing - I told her that I want to go on HRT. We talked a lot about dysphoria and shame, and learning to be another gender.
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I am so relieved that she is supportive, but even more relieved that I don’t sound crazy to her!!!
3/6
Dear Erin, I’m so glad that you came to visit yesterday. I was worried for a bit there that I wouldn’t get a chance to see you, but when you arrived you made such an impression on me. I have to tell you, you looked cute and hot and amazingly confident. I don’t think I’ve seen any of this in you before, and it really suits you.
You’ve been on my mind so often lately. I’ve been wondering what kind of person you’ve become, and if we still have things in common. But now I realize that I didn’t have anything to worry about. It makes me so happy that we had the chance to meet.
See you again soon. Love, [deadname]
3/11
Since my last journal entry, I’ve been through all sorts of highs and lows of euphoria and dysphoria. I should say that I thought that the label “euphoria” seemed hyperbolic until I experienced it on the 5th and again to a lesser degree on the 7th. Whatever is happening to me, I have had new emotional experiences without prior comparison.
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Lindsey has been helping me in my gender exploration. I’ve been trying on clothes, doing makeup, playing around with my (unfortunate) hair, and generally trying out the visual parts of being a woman. I told Lindsey my other name - Erin - and then on the 5th in one of our experimenting sessions I saw Erin in the mirror. I’ve seen her once since then. I am not sure how to rectify me and her yet, but right now she’s the best argument I have for transitioning.
That initial encounter was unquestionably euphoria. I experienced a synaesthetic joy - I saw shattered golden panes of reality, heard the rush of blood in my head. I was flooded with emotions that I could not identify. I cried hard with Lindsey holding me. The next day I think I cried on and off for about 4 hours. By the end of the night my face was so swollen and puffy that my teeth hurt. I kept thinking about seeing Erin and all of the great things that she could go on to do if I were to become her.
And then of course the day after that was a dark pit of doubt. Basically I’ve been vacillating like that since last Saturday. But I’ve continued to experiment with my appearance and voice and self concept.