Yesterday (10/16/2022) marked my six month anniversary on hormone replacement therapy, and although it isn’t exactly accurate I like to think of that date as my start of transition (as opposed to my “egg crack”, 3/5/2022). My body has responded well to estrogen as its main sex hormone - my mental noise, anger, and general anxiety have decreased, and I feel a lot better about my less-compulsive sex drive. I am very pleased with my physical changes, like softer skin, curvaceousness, and breast growth. There are still some physical aspects that I hope will improve later on (Counting on you, smaller feet! You can do it, facial structure!), but truth be told I’m bowled over at how pleasing the changes have been so far.
I’m not the only person that has taken note. Many transfem authors have written in the past about their sudden “visibility” to strangers, which I started experiencing around the month 4 mark. When I was living as a man, people didn’t pay much attention to me as I moved through stores and event spaces or on my regular jogs. Now, I get stares, ranging from quick side glances to big dumb open mouth gapes. Most of this attention is neutral at best - I’m sure I’m eye-catching at 6’3” in a cami and swooshy maxi skirt - but sometimes I get smirks. Lately strange men have been getting a little more aggressive. The other night a drunk guy called me a faggot, and a few weeks ago an older man got right in my face at the grocery store and shouted something incomprehensible at me. I was pretty shaken up by him, and it took me a few hours to come down.
The tough thing about being visible is that it is, in a weird way, affirming. I’m being noticed because I no longer blend in like a man would, and that’s apparently enough license for creeps to start harassing me. I know the two incidents I just mentioned aren’t typically what most people think of as objectification, which is why I said harassing, but I think both objectification and harassment like this stem from feeling licensed to treat other people as less than people, and more like objects to be used for some function. What’s that over there? A woman? Let me dump my random impotent rage on her. What’s that? A woman - no wait, a man? I can’t fuck that, it’s a faggot.
My transfem friends and acquaintances have been very complimentary about my physical changes, and some of that has been good and other parts have been less than desirable as well. I don’t mind so much someone saying “HRT is doing wonderful things for you” because yeah, it is, but talking about my tits with others is objectification, despite however earnest the speaker my be. It smarts to hear, but I honestly believe these transfems mean the best by their comments, and are saying them to both compliment me, and reinforce their own femininity in a way. I read it as learning and practicing the compliments game that cis women play - “I love your necklace!” “Thanks, I got at Kohl’s!” - without a strong grasp on the rules. The number one rule in the game, from what I can tell, is that objectification is a matter of consent. Compare how consent factors in when talking about someone’s bracelet vs someone’s tits. Talking about something worn - deliberately chosen and easily replaced - has better outcomes across the consent scale than talking about body parts:
“Your bracelet looks amazing” table
| Actor | Consent | Outcome |
|---|---|---|
| Lover, partner | Complete | Positive feelings |
| Close friend | Moderate | Positive feelings |
| Social acquaintance, sassy | Low | Positive. They’re being funny |
| Social acquaintance, matter-of-fact | Low | Positive, feeling noticed for fashion choices |
| Rando on the street | None | Neutral to positive, feeling noticed for fashion choices being eye catching |
“Your tits look amazing” table
| Actor | Consent | Outcome |
|---|---|---|
| Lover, partner | Complete | Positive feelings, reinforcing attractiveness and vulnerability |
| Close friend | Moderate | Positive feelings, trust around intent |
| Social acquaintance, sassy (your tits look amaaaaazing) | Low | Fairly positive. They’re being funny |
| Social acquaintance, matter-of-fact | Low | Hesitance, some suspicion. What are their intentions? |
| Rando on the street | None | Negative feelings, disgust and fear |
A special case I want to call out is gay men. I have it on good word from the cis women in my life that gay men generally get a pass for making body-centric comments or unexpectedly touching them, presumably because women are “off the table.” I’m not currently close to gay men that make these sorts of comments, and so I wasn’t aware of this until recently, and got freaked out by a gay man suddenly massaging my shoulders at a social event last week. Honestly I’m not a fan of this pass because it’s better to err on the side of more consent.
I know that things aren’t going to get easier from here for me. My body is going to continue changing, and I will be more noticeable than ever as I become more feminine in appearance. I wanted to write this out to clarify my thoughts, and to better establish my boundaries for when someone crosses them. Here’s to six months of HRT, I can’t wait for the next six.