Over the past year some friends and I have collected a list of slurs that many people who consider themselves trans allies seem to use “in support” without thinking. Here are the most common ones I’ve heard thrown around, along with explanations as to why they are slurs and alternatives for allies to say. For full disclosure, this list is coming from a mostly transfem perspective.
A note for trans people before we start: Slur reclamation is for many people a healing part of the experience of being queer, and I encourage you to make the slurs here part of that practice for yourself. Doing this inoculates you against the grossness of the slurs so that you can be more resilient and speak up (if you wish) when slurred by “allies.” Also I have yet to find another trans person who didn’t think it was funny to be slurred in an obviously joking manner.
The slur: “You’re so brave/inspiring“
The breakdown: This is maybe the most common slur I hear, and spending even a little time with it reveals its intellectual laziness. Trans people have to be brave because the world is transphobic. We don’t want to have to be brave, and reminding us of how much shit we have to put up with isn’t a particularly caring thing to do. We don’t want to “inspire” people by suffering hardships that we shouldn’t have to suffer just to live our lives.
Say instead: It really depends on context what to say here. If a trans person is sharing a personal experience, you can say something like “thanks for sharing, I learned a lot from that.” If the trans person is talking about the difficulties of transition, maybe “I didn’t realize how hard it can be. I’m here for you if you need anything.”
The slur: “You are valid”
The breakdown: This is often well intentioned as a way to welcome a trans person to the in-group of a gender, but it implies that the ally has the authority to make that call. Trans people don’t need anyone to tell us that we’re valid in our gender. Saying someone is “valid” is often as empty a platitude as saying “thoughts and prayers.”
Say instead: Since it’s not really your place to validate someone, maybe there’s something else you’re trying to express, like “I really care about you” or “I want to support you however I can.”
The slur: “Preferred” / “Identify as” / “Living your truth”
The breakdown: These statements imply that to transition is to perform a fiction. The trans person isn’t really their gender, they just “identify” as that gender. Similarly “living your truth” implies that it is the trans person’s truth that they are of a gender and not an objective truth.
Say instead: Use language that makes it clear that the trans person is their gender. In the case of “living your truth,” consider something like “It makes me so happy to see how much more yourself you are.” A little cheesy, but it grounds your remarks in objective reality.
The slur: “Being your authentic self”
The breakdown: This feels like a combination of pedestaling and patronizing. Isn’t everyone trying to be authentic? Conversely, how much of our presentation in the world is ever truly “authentic?” The first time I got hit by this one was by a voice training coach who said her goal was to help me find my “authentic voice.” I’m still unsure what she meant, but her usage felt like weasel words to avoid defining training goals.
Say instead: Keep it specific. If there’s something that impresses you about how a trans person has changed since coming out, compliment them on that. A good rule of thumb generally is if it’s a compliment that would feel weird to say to a cis person, you shouldn’t say it to a trans person.
The slur: “Fully transition” / “Passable”
The breakdown: These imply an end state to transition, as well as a binary mindset (“I’m a woman now, I’ve fully transitioned and I pass.”). This sort of language is dated and doesn’t reflect most people’s experience of transition, which is an ever-shifting thing, and passing is not often the goal.
Say instead: Not everyone will want to answer this, but if you’re close to the trans person you might say “Do you mind if I ask how things are going in your transition?” Be prepared for rejection, but if they do want to share, listen with empathy. You might learn something.
The slur: “How are you hotter than me” / “You don’t look trans”
The breakdown: The implication here is that the “ally” expects trans people to be ugly or disturbing looking, which is a hurtful way to characterize trans people. I chalk this one up to a deluge of negative stereotypes in the media, like the “man in a dress” trope. Many trans people are conventionally hot, and many trans people are hot in ways that cis people are not. Beauty and attractiveness extend beyond cis beauty standards.
Say instead: “You’re really hot.”
The slur: “[Having a trans body is] the best of both worlds”
The breakdown: This statement demonstrates a profound ignorance of trans bodies and gender dysphoria. It objectifies and fetishizes the trans person as an exotic body, it misgenders because it implies that they are not wholly a particular gender (and there’s some nonbinary erasure in there too), and it ignores how trans people relate to their own bodies (ie. having a trans body doesn’t feel like the “best” to everyone).
Say instead: Nothing. Don’t make generalizations about trans bodies. Educate yourself on what it’s like for trans people to experience gender dysphoria and fetishization.
The slur: “We center trans voices” / “This is a safe space”
The breakdown: I have yet to witness a situation where statements like this weren’t just empty virtue signaling. If you’re an ally, you should be making spaces that are safe for trans people to express themselves regardless.
Say instead: If you must say something, say “Transphobia will not be tolerated here.” Then follow through if a trans person raises a concern.
The slur: “Welcome to womanhood”
The breakdown: This is a difficult one partly because it hurts trans women in a number of ways but also because the women who say it are hurt themselves. Women say this to each other when one woman shares an experience of misogyny or sexism and her listener has experienced a similar hurt and has had to push down her feelings around it. “Welcome to womanhood” broadly means “you need to ignore your pain and your feelings in the same way that I had to.” An ally unaware of the already hurtful implications of this phrase might say this in a joking way to a trans woman intending solidarity, but specifically for trans women there are some added layers that make it even more problematic. It can sound like “you chose womanhood so deal with it,” which makes being trans out to be a choice and is invalidating of the trans woman’s gender. Also it can imply that the trans woman is ignorant of the pain of sexism experienced in womanhood, as if the trans woman was not already a woman and aware of what women experience.
Say instead: “I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’ve been hurt that way too.” Then ask if they want to talk about it. That’s what empathy and solidarity look like, and we can heal together.