This morning I woke up with a whopping headache. Once I had become more conscious, I realized it was from a migraine I had in my sleep. Most of the time I get them during the day, but sometimes they happen while I'm dreaming, and I see the jagged aura flashing in my dream vision.
Before a migraine hits is a stage called the “prodrome,” and different people have different tells that they are experiencing prodrome. For me, prodrome can be either A. a day of exaggerated grumpiness beforehand or B. a day of exaggerated creativity. Yesterday I designed 2 stickers, wrote a short comic, photoshopped memes for friends, and did some fancy Minecraft footwork (oh yeah and did my job somewhere in there). By about the afternoon I was pretty sure that I was in prodrome and wondered when the migraine would hit.
I used to get very down on myself about not taking care enough to avoid triggering a migraine, and I was very anxious about doing things that I thought might cause them. Once I learned about prodrome and started to see my pattern, I realized that my migraines were beyond my control. There are a couple things I can do, like getting enough sleep and not using certain drugs frequently, but past that they're totally random and usually are lined up a day in advance.
Finding acceptance for pain is hard to do. I want to feel like my pain is my fault because that means that I can control it. But after years of trying, I've come to the conclusion that I can't, and I have to live with this totally random thing coming in and periodically fucking up my days and nights. But on the other hand there's some relief from anxiety that comes from realizing that it's not my fault, it's not something I have much control over and therefore not something I should feel guilty for. It's a hard freedom to sit with.
Similarly, coming to terms with my transness has been like making peace with my migraines in some ways. Since I first came out and accepted myself I’ve occasionally struggled with self-doubt because at the time it felt like I was making a choice. However, the more I examine my past and present, the more obvious it becomes to me that I had no choice, it was only a matter of time before I either embraced being trans or imploded. I even tried initially to reject my feelings and barely made it three weeks before I realized I was kidding myself. My brain was very good at keeping me safe by preventing me from knowing about my transness, and it did just that until it was no longer necessary. In order to move on with my life, I have had to relinquish what I thought was control - choice in the matter of being trans.
That said I’m still working on letting go of the guilt I carry for my time in the closet. My wife and I have been in couples therapy for the past few months, and one of the elements of our relationship that we’ve discovered is the degree of trauma that we’ve both incurred because of my latent transness. For much of our relationship I rejected most forms of affection, especially touch. I wasn’t ok with PDA, and while I desired sex, in practice I found it frustrating and dissociative. I know now that I walled myself off from these things unconsciously in order to protect myself from an awareness of my body. In doing so, I hurt myself by denying my needs, and I hurt Lindsey in the process. Now that I can identify these old patterns that I no longer need to protect me, I’m trying to change my behavior in order to dissolve that emotional scar tissue.
It’s funny, while I was writing this Lindsey sent me some photos from about four years ago and I barely recognize the person in them as myself anymore. Like, I have some of the memories, but my initial response to seeing the pictures was “oh yeah, that guy.” So I find myself in this state where I carry memories of choices made and regret for those choices, but I realize that my regret comes from hindsight. I’m working towards finding forgiveness for myself, and that starts with patience.